Cedars-Sinai Magazine
The Growing Pains of Puberty
If youth were a rollercoaster ride, puberty would be the drop: the moment the tram stops its slow crawl forward and suddenly takes off.
Preteens grow at double the speed of earlier years, while a surge of sex hormones sends their bodies and feelings into constant flux. They often start to separate themselves from family and focus on friends and forming their own identities.
Beginning between ages 8 and 13 for girls and ages 9 to 14 for boys, the changes brought on by puberty can be dizzying—and especially noticeable as students return from summer vacation. School hallways buzz with fresh excitement and nerves.
The world is so hard for kids at this age. Be your child’s soft-landing place.”
— Pamela Phillips, MD, Cedars-Sinai Guerin Children’s pediatrician
"Teenagers feel left out, ashamed or embarrassed if they move at a different speed than their peers," said Cedars-Sinai Guerin Children’s pediatrician Sarah Mahmood, MD.
The sweeping transition from childhood to the teen years can also be alienating for parents, as they struggle to adapt to their evolving relationships. While puberty is unpredictable, experts suggest that cultivating a sense of safety in the family can be a buffer from tension.
"The world is so hard for kids at this age," said pediatrician Pamela Phillips, MD, also with Cedars-Sinai Guerin Children’s. "Be your child’s soft-landing place."
Pam J. Phillips, MD
Plan Ahead
Share what your preteen can expect early.
"Ease into it, so they can understand their body will change, and in which ways," Mahmood said. "That way, it’s not as confusing or surprising and feels casual to talk about, rather than it being the big elephant in the room."
Puberty often arrives as chest swelling and buds in girls and others assigned female at birth. Many preteens are alarmed to feel sore around this time, but pediatricians stress tenderness indicates natural breast development.
About two years later, their first periods usually arrive. Mahmood suggested getting your child involved in choosing the right period products for them. Stock these supplies in their backpack in case they start menstruating at school.
For boys and others assigned male at birth, puberty typically begins with maturing testicles and scrotums, followed by body and facial hair and Adam’s apple development. Their voices crack and deepen.
The hormonal switch also turns on sweat and oil glands—giving teens the distinct, damp odor that frequently clouds gym locker rooms. Up to 85% experience acne. This is the time to build a basic face-washing and moisturizing routine, using deodorant when needed for hygiene.
Sarah Mahmood, MD
Maintain Open Dialogue
Pediatricians see communication as the best antidote to the discomfort of the in-between years.
Share your own youthful memories of embarrassment at pimples and training bras or your first date. Listen without judgment and be ready to answer questions or concerns on their schedule.
For example, if your daughter complains about chest tenderness, have a conversation on how bras can support their breasts better as they mature. Similarly, if you notice your son is a head taller than the previous grade, ask about his growth spurt, Mahmood said. Try using the question as a jumping-off point to ask if he is curious about other changes in his body.
If children don’t want to talk about something, don’t force them, Phillips added. They will open up when they are ready.
Each Child’s Journey Is Unique
The awkward preteen years are ripe for insecurities, and social media highlight reels can promote unrealistic body standards.
"Everybody thinks they’re the abnormal one, but the secret is that it’s all normal,” Phillips said. "It’s just different."
Families should reinforce traits such as kindness or conscientiousness to build confidence and a secure sense of self, Mahmood added.
"It can be exciting to watch a teen become who they are," she said.
Pediatricians also caution that while apps can be fun tools for connection, limits are crucial for developing minds. Implement safety measures that work for your family, such as not accepting strangers as friends, following each other, and putting phones away at meals and bedtime.
An Emotional Sea Change
With adolescence comes romantic and sexual awareness, wild mood swings and a natural struggle for independence—that isn’t personal.
"It’s hard for parents to go from having a child who idolized and needed them for everything to having a teen who’s pushing them away and fighting back," Phillips said.
Both teens and parents should be free to express themselves without fear and let each other know if they feel hurt.
Family boundaries can keep heated arguments in check. For example, you could have a rule that the family never says they hate each other.
"Kids like to know how far they can push it," she said. "But boundaries give them safety."
Cope With Self-Care
Amid the whirlwind, consistent quality time can be the glue to keep relationships strong. Reconnect over shared family meals and healthy activities that feel good for everyone, whether it’s hiking, walking, swimming or playing tennis.
Space is also essential.
The whole family needs outlets to decompress. Make time for activities you each love and friends in the same phase of life, who can be a sounding board.
And remember, it is not forever. You will make it to the other side.
